hullo, much-neglected journal.

another day, another dollar. new job. haven't been super active on the hustle, as a result.

maybe that's a good thing.

i've been losing the last of my teeth, so i have been looking into implant supported dentures. wicked expensive, yes, but... I just don't know if I'm ready to lose my teeth. guess i should have thought of that before i binged and purged 4 times weekly for 7 years straight and followed it with binge-restrict cycles that i called 'recovery'.

i have been thinking a lot about what i value and how disconnected from humanity and my contemporaries i have been lately, and how i become more disconnected the more i allow self-loathing, anxiety, and escapism to direct my thinking.

i also need to renew my library card soon. really i've been dragging my feet on a load of things. i need to renew some work credentials, i need to check my email backlog, i need to clean my house again... there's just a lot.

so i bought a bunch of published contemporary australian plays to read. i'm setting myself the goal to actually finish them, too.

i have a lot of things i want to do, productivity-wise.

• sort out my photography backlog
• start making some music with the goal to publish an actual track
• update this site, maybe even write a new game review or finish an in-progress one
• finish a painting
• fill a sketchbook

you see. goals. hopefully i'll keep you updated. but i'm not real optimistic about that one.

deer dire ,

heh. anyways.

i did not get any sleep at all. will read documents and try again at like 6pm.

today i was struck by an episode of the podcast 'lore' that briefly talked about urkhammer, iowa. i go back and forth between enjoying the storytelling style and very mildly disliking that the style sometimes seems to hinge on leaving out inconvenient details. it doesn't help that the earlier in the podcast, the more likely the details that are left out are likely to be ones unambiguously debunking the subjects.

my lips won't stop tingling. i have been repressing the potential that this is a cold sore breakout with regular applications of blistex, and so far it seems to be working.

i haven't been able to sleep properly lately, so i've been forcing the issue by getting up and staying up during the day and lying in bed, in the dark, listening to podcasts, at night.

i hope this latest sleep issue is because i have always struggled with recovering a diurnal cycle following spikes of anxiety, as the premenstrual spike was bad this time around.

good morning, beloved journal.

no, really. i am updating the site at 7:28am, including adding backdated journal entries and writing this one.

i went to the doctor after i started getting headaches, and got myself a brand new sedative regimen, on top of non-stimulant ADHD meds. so that's fun. i've been knocked out for the last two days and i'm no longer having delusions of bug infestation, so problem solved? i guess?

of course, i have since decided this insomnia is a result of a career swing and accepting, nay, actively pursuing a new job that involves learning and regurgitating large swathes of text.

i've decided i want to add a meme gallery to this site, and a creepypasta archive. this is totally absolutely not a midlife crisis where i miss the creepypasta days of text based forums and boards.

unfortunately, i'm already awake too late to wash my clothes in the public machines, so i'm going to do something else. i'm not sure what, yet. maybe lay in bed and rot. you know, for a change of pace. lol.

a "good" morning for the second morning in a row.

except i slept absolutely terribly. i spent basically the entire night turning over and peeling the mask off my eyes to look at the time on my phone. everything hurts and i want to die.

speaking of dying, my appetite is slowly withering away. i didn't expect this. i thought i'd be even hungrier, due to the meds. and i am, sort of, but every time i go to eat i stop wanting to eat after a few bites.

i've cut my hair so that it's wavier and pulled out all the makeup i've collected. i think my colour season might change depending on how healthy my skin is, since it normally blends best with muted orange and peach colours, terracotta-leaning nude lips etc, but at the moment to counter the blue from bad circulation i'm wearing much more pink-leaning nudes. i even considered just making lipstick just a thing i wear all the time now.

it wouldn't even seem that crazy to suddenly start wearing makeup daily, because i broke out in hives from a particularly strong wind last night. yeah. hayfever with prejudice.

but before i can indulge in these whims, i have to prepare to drag myself to the pharmacist. i'm screaming internally.

i've started reading contemporary australian plays. did i mention that? not exactly for fun, but definitely not for work. mostly as a way of getting myself sketching and drawing again. i don't know. it made sense to the me of a week ago.

i picked up the collection endangered, containing they saw a thylacine, extinction, and the honey bees. the logic, when i did, was that i'd be interested enough in the topic to adjust to a new writing format.

i've also unbroken a few image links - not sure why they were broken in the first place. i'm hosting the damn images.

hey, reader.

i'm gonna complain for a second - what's new - about having to supplement iron. see, i've been fighting my body to try to get my iron levels to stay normal for a long time, but since the last test, i've had to actively supplement. this means that i've been taking tablets that somehow make my stomach hurt, make me nauseated, and give me constipation all at the same time. in order to try to beat the constipation, my diet has shifted to something i affectionately consider "vegetable slurry", a neverending parade of soups and purees and baked vegetables. i eat an apple literally every single day. a positive of this is that my skin has never been so clear and i'm certainly meeting my water needs. the downsides to this are that this diet is sapping my will to live. it feels like i'm constantly eating, and nothing is coming out the other end. don't worry, i know this isn't true - i use dual-action laxatives when it's been a couple of days.

none of that is triggering at all. jk. every single part of it is. weirdly, this includes not being tired all the time - because now i'm not sleeping 16 hours a day i have more time to think about how hungry and bloated and full and fat i am, as well as the normal thoughts about what a loser i am.

and it's definitely hayfever season. look, i know the world is going to shit and doom spiralling is not going to help, but i cannot help but feel that some people were simply not meant to be in the world. like, would i have died in childhood? yes, and it's hard to always see that as a bad thing.

anyway, i started playing cult of the lamb again. i'm even considering getting a few dlcs. and this is how i know that i don't feel completely anhedonic.

i feel strangely compelled to thank you for slogging through this. even though chances are, nobody actually is.

but hey, if one real person found this particular entry: hey, you. i appreciate you. thanks for sharing this moment with me.