can't believe yesterday i had hope for the state of the world.

today just feels so hopeless. am i going to continue living life as usual? i guess. wonder if there's a vigil on tonight or tomorrow. i'll probably attend.

i know the whole 'thing' about how to make a more just world is to keep building community and empower each other as a collective of compassionate beings. it's just hard to feel like there's a point with evil out there. or worse. the financial motive.

today rained all day, and i braved the rain to fetch my groceries. probably better the rain than the heat, i like the rain.

i genuinely think world war three started yesterday. like actually started, not the terrifying tit-for-tat that the warmongers have been doing.

it feels like any other day. it really does. like we could be about to go into austerity and eugenics and whatever else a wealthy country does when it's watching and waiting to enter a fight it has no business in, and like. does that mean i'll get that hysto i've been wanting since teenage? should i be preparing to look for manufacturing work, or preparing for rolling blackouts?

and here i am, beans and pickle simmering on the stove across from me and my workstation. there are children playing outside. this is just any other day. i guess.

just enrolled in a diploma for professional development reasons. not sure why i did that. it feels like an expensive mistake. i could just be overreacting, of course. probably am. but these are my feelings and i am allowed to feel them.

aside from that, i slept all day today. the bruise from my toe seems to be moving across my foot, and the toe itself is still horribly swollen. i'm tempted to stop taping it, but it still hurts when it's allowed to flop around of its own accord.

almost have a rhythm down, except for clothes washing. haven't yet figured out how to bag up my dirty clothes and drag them down the street, because i don't have the guts. everything else, though, is going fine.

i'm not even halfway through my wardrobe. my depop storefront is looking scrappy, so i decided to hang a black background sheet and retake pictures of all my listings. i need my camera, though. the colour balance on my phone is off and manually fixing every photo is a pain. guess that's my own fault, i decided to store it rather than risk it in the move.

work is getting busy. contracts being offered and considered. i'm feeling very overwhelmed already. i'm coping by retreating to my garden. it's a foolish thing, i've decided to start growing succulents in old drink cans. i want a collection. why? no reason. just want.

i'm also fighting with the midi keyboard that i really wanted. the pad is working, the keys are not, and i know it's a software setting i've messed up and i can't figure it out.

you'll probably be the first to know if i ever figure it out.

till tomorrow.

i finally got my camera out of storage. i'm using it to update all the photos on my depop store, and to take the "product" pictures from now on.

this might be motivated by rage. i went to a friend's birthday dinner yesterday and it was incredibly depressing how many of my clothes did not fit me, it felt like i was going to have to go pantsless. the pile of clothes to sell is growing, and i need to iron a lot of them. i'm thinking i'll set aside a day this coming week just to clean, sew, and iron.

my foot wouldn't heal right, so i took myself to an urgent appointment at my clinic and, after being told by the doctor that it had to be on the way because i was tolerating handling it fine, i got my x-ray.

it turns out when i broke my toe earlier in the month, it wasn't a little crack in the bone like i thought it was. no, the broken bone is absolutely shattered. i am horrified, but in true chronic illness fashion, i am waiting for the follow-up appointment today to find out what to do about it.

at least this is a good excuse to sit on the couch and play games. i'm trying to give a legitimate review to cat quests 2 and 3 so that i finally finish the games properly.

today is a very anxious day. i paid my rent a week early to feel in control of something.

the doctor called while i was at the post office, so i'm updating the site... to feel in control of something.

anyway here's a picture of my toe.

happy friday the thirteenth!

i have a horrible cold. i'm going back to bed with some vyvanse and hot tea.

i thought the other day was a short entry.

i had nothing better to do than rot in bed, and i thought it wouldn't be prudent to continue going through my wardrobe because i was worried about getting virus particles on the clothes, so i uploaded a bunch of photographs to my shutterstock profile from the backlog. see, i am an artist.

never said i was a good one, but i am an artist.

it is finally laundry day. i have been washing clothes in a tub in my shower, but it's time to bite the bullet and take my sheets and jeans down the road to the laundromat.

so naturally i'm procrastinating by writing my diary directly into the blog page and adding a bunch of pictures to the sidebar. or is it the header? we'll find out.

i just realised a bunch of links on my wishlist page were broken so i also procrastinated by fixing and adding to that. yay me. i'm so productive today.

i wonder if adsense will agree this is a proper webpage this month? i'm going to try again. like i do every month, and i get knocked back every month.

washing clothes was a success, though it was nearly a failure due to my brilliant decision to air-dry on one of the wettest days of the week. i had enough time to go buy an ironing board and shelf for the bathroom, though, so that was nice.

work has been really picking up, i guess that's a good thing? it has dragged me away from my beloved writing time, but i have been taking more photographs. like i just shove my camera in my bag and just take pictures of whatever i see that interests me. i hope it's making me a more creative person. at the very least it's building my portfolio.

it also means i have to either lose 15kg or gain 7kg of muscle in 2 months. so that's doable. i guess. no, actually, that's unfair. if i set aside an hour to work out every day it is doable. i just don't want to have to put in the effort.

still have yet to be successfully approved for ads. google, why do you hate me so?

i have to go to bed now. probably see you tomorrow, i have a lot of work to do and no desire to do it. xoxo

do you think the equinox was a moment to reset? or is it just another day, and i'm reading too much into it?

i am writing a digital download licence with the help of many an art gallery's licensing template, as i think i'm going to throw some of the non-stock images up on my storefront. the document is taking longer than i thought i would for something so generic and soulless-sounding.

hang on. i've got to add the arts law website to my resources page. or should they go in credits? i'm not sure. anyway, i'm also subscribing to their newsletter while i'm here.

well. guess it's time to go and do my fucking job. see you on the other side of the day.

boy howdy, have i been busy.

my real estate agent has very helpfully let me know my first house inspection is coming up in 3 weeks.

the treaty state elections were a lot to consider. the metro region has too many undifferentiated positions, i think, it might suit better to have different metro regions. but maybe i just want to think less and not have to rank like 30 candidates against each other.

i have been selling many of my beloved clothes on depop. in fact, as i sat down to write this, i got another notification from the red app. i'm kind of happy about that, as i have a lot of clothes that do not fit me at the moment that i've been saving, tags and all, until i'm thin enough to wear them. moving was super expensive, i just had boxes and boxes of clothes that let's be honest, i do not need. and considering i'm probably going to be moving again either next year or the year after, i would like to cut down on those expenses pre-emptively. packing up and sending those clothes to people who want them is certainly much better for my anxiety than keeping them around my house to stress me the heck out.

i am still fighting with adsense. i only really want to put ads on the parts of my site that are largely my writing. i don't understand how i can't apply the exclusions until i am approved, but can't be approved until the exclusions are applied. make it make (ad)sense.

and finally, i am struggling to close down and cash out from the investing platforms i opened in my twenties when i didn't know better. i have a few thousand floating around that i would like to either direct to more established banks, or just straight up add to my cash reserves, depending on how bad i think i'm going to be struggling in the next couple of months.

oxygen not included is my current obsession. i don't know what it is about that weird little colony sim that i can't seem to leave it alone.

pmdd is hitting me hard today. i've been so hungry, so anxious, can't sleep. all my joints hurt and i've been taking batch photographs of the latest wardrobe outcasts. it turns out i had quite the vintage phase, so i also have to measure a few things. i'm not entirely sure of the best way to measure clothes - do i just lay it flat and measure end-to-end? do i try to measure circumference? do i just put it on my body and take selfies and include my measurements at the time? most importantly: is this too much work for something that i'm not making that much money from?

i dunno. maybe i just need to change my piercings again.

found a pinterest account i haven't touched in ages. i'm going to start taking pictures of outfits i wish i could wear. i'll call it (date) ootd. why? shut up, is why.

speaking of "shut up, is why," my modem crashed earlier because it was too hot and the battery overheated. it was during a meeting, so, not ideal.

my succulent garden is going okay, though. i'm trying to start some seeds for a veggie/herb garden, but it's much drier here and it seems like the soil refuses to hold onto moisture. probably why my succulents are doing so well. the seed box on the other hand... not sure why it's so thirsty or where it's all going.

the mould in the bathroom is fighting back. i'm going to drown it in isopropyl alcohol before i go to bed tonight.