i could barely sleep last night, it was so warm. today's exercise in futility is not freaking myself out about the state of the world.

i suppose it could be worse than a recession and austerity. we could be following the united states into war. we could be chasing every fool idea the liberal party suggests to the public. we could be chris minns in the afterlife, answering for his choices. you know. as an example.

signed some contracts yesterday and weighed myself this morning before checking if the confirmations had come through. if that sounds kind of crazy to you... it is. but i'm 57kg now, down from 58.4kg, so something i'm doing is working. probably the nervous pacing and dusting my carpet every time i get hungry.

also related to work, i finally read the inquiry into women's pain report. it was depressing, as you'd expect, and surprising in some ways. the conclusions don't really feel real to me. i'm not sure why. i think i'm just incapable of feeling right.

going to spend easter with the family. i shouldn't be dreading it, but i am. i'm not even really sure why - it's just a vague sense of all-encompassing dread.

dear diary,

it occurs to me that my accounting system could be a little more sophisticated than the ATO's app. like, currently i literally track all my purchases and income in the mydeductions section of the app. what happens when the app goes down? why, i panic, of course.

i also had the horrible realisation that my anxiety hasn't gone away, contrary to popular belief (my wishes). unfortunately, i learned this by nearly missing my first piece of coursework. so there goes the 'tough it out and get over it' approach.

you would think this would affect my journalling, too, as it's completely public online - and you're right! hence not having written anything these last few days.

small updates - storefront update, art upload.

it's photo editing day today and i don't want to do it, so i'm procrastinating by doing this and doing my highly neglected stretching protocol instead. but i have to sit down some time. let's see what wins.

chat, is this normal?

having a really bad anxiety flare-up at the moment. i should have realised it was happening the second i started obsessing over my weight, and now i'm two weeks in and skipping food to buy playing cards. because the cards will be such a great distraction from my totally abnormal desire to eat. or something. it really works, too - having spent all my money on said cards, i'm now too broke to buy food. and there's no way in hell i'm dragging myself to a food pantry over 20 minutes away on the bus just to have to literally drag my food back on said bus. i feel bad enough sitting down when my back is acting up.

i'm not really sure what the fix here is, either - do i wait until my next appointment and up my meds? do i start eating more and just cope with the fear?

at least i got out of bed today. so that's something going for me.

it's me again!

i guess the anxiety flare is because i'm minorly sick. i spent all of last night throwing up. so i'm majorly behind on everything today. that's fun.

i'm really struggling with assessments and wondering if it's not easier to just pull out now. i mean, it's not, and i know this, but i still wonder.

i've once again decided to try my luck with adsense. i haven't been auto-rejected this time, so there is hope, but i haven't been approved yet either. we will see what it takes, i guess.

and just as i was about to sign off, i realised that i put the kettle on an hour ago to make myself a cup of tea. so that's my evening, i guess. yeah. that's me done.

dear beloved journal,

i think addressing something or someone at the start of these entries is making writing more approachable. i wonder how long that's going to last.

another day of endless updates - today on depop, having to increase shipping prices one-by-one since there doesn't seem to be a way to edit it in bulk.

i still haven't submitted my coursework and i'm starting to panic about it. counterintuitive, i know. a "plus" to this is that food is both very unappealing and also totally terrifying.

sup bitches.

i always seem to forget my disabilities are disabling until they disable me. what's that about?