i think i've figured out why my heart rate rises so much when i get crossfaded, specifically. i think it has something to do with a sudden drop in blood pressure. now, if i knew what caused that... i would do more drugs and in more variety, probably.

hadn't realised i spent so long unhappy. spent the last five months overeating. no journals, no people, no life. i keep needing to do something but i just don't have the energy. and i still find myself cleaning all the time. i weigh 50kg and i want to weigh 30 at most. i plan to start back to back fasting tomorrow, at a deficit of 1500kcal a day i should make it before january. if not, i'll probably kill myself.

at least not drinking will be good for me. it's a carcinogen, after all.

whenever i take a shower, i think of this one woman i knew once who claimed she cultivated her skin yeast for sentimental reasons. i don't know why. i think maybe it just reminds me too closely of my own affinity for plants, bugs, you know. other inhuman creatures. what does that make me? antisocial, probably.